Oh, Won't You Please See My Vest!

So I was picking up yet another load of mulch from the local Lowe's and while I was waiting to check out I noticed a woman who had attempted to wear something beyond a tshirt and jeans.  While I give her an A+ for effort and use of color, she really needed a primer on how to pull together a look.  Here's a quick look at what she was wearing:

Click on the picture for the Polyvore set

This set isn't exact what she wore, but it's very close.  The entire outfit was mostly well done in shades of navy blue with a more vibrant cobalt blue accent.  The ruffled military coat was navy blue, as was the cropped twill vest underneath.  Her shirt was cobalt blue, and a floral scarf in the two blues completed the outfit.  She wore dark jeans and some basic black flats, neither of which is really worth mentioning. 

I don't think realized it, but her outfit added 20 pounds to her frame.  Frankly, cropped vests, like capris, only look good on 6ft runway models.  If you have large breasts or stomach pudge, stay the HELL away from cropped vests.  If you're large breasted, the vest just looks like it's much too small.  If you have pudge, all a cropped vest does is aim attention directly at your figure flaw.  It's much like painting a giant target on your gut.  But the vest itself isn't what caused the illusion of weight gain, it was the vest, with the jacket and scarf all together.  All of the attention is drawn to a very small portion of your body, and it causes the eye to see depth which in turn adds imaginary pounds.  This is why I heavily advise the plus sized ladies of my general reading audience to go easy on layering. 

The jacket and the scarf were both very solid picks, and showed more effort to create a look than I've seen in the past few weeks.  Without the vest, the outfit would have been a home run in my book.  The military look is current, and the ruffles on the jacket and the floral scarf soften the straight military lines. 

 

Are you into vests? Here are some things to look for:

From left to right:
1. There isn't much that makes this vest different from the sartorial offender mentioned above other than its length. By hitting at the hip, it covers pudge instead of aiming attention at it. 
2. Yes, this is a cropped vest.  However, it doesn't meet in the middle.  It instead draws the eyes up and down, making you appear thinner and taller.  Wear with dark pants/skirts to get the maximum slimming effect. 
3.  There are enough details on this lace vest to keep attention away from your middle.  Deep V necks look good on large breasted women, and the vest hits at the hip, covering your middle.  Wear this with a scoop neck tank and a long necklace for a casual yet romantic date night look.
4. This leopard print vest works because the beading at the shoulders draws the eye up, and the jersey drapes help conceal your midsection. 

I hope this answers all questions on vests, because, honestly, I hope to never write about vests again.*


*I tragically wore many a vest in middle school.  This was right after the movie Clueless came out, and vests were hot.  As I look back at my middle pictures, no, vests were not hot.